10 Things He Doesn’t Need To Know

Honesty is not always the best policy, says Sam Delaney. There are some secrets you really should “forget” to tell him.

You’ve met a man you really like. It’s more than just his devilish good looks, beguiling charm and tireless voluntary work nursing sick animals that you find attractive. He’s a soul mate. You can trust him. You could tell him your deepest, darkest secrets and he wouldn’t judge you, would he?

To be honest, it depends on the secret. Tell him you took five attempts to pass your driving test or you once ran over a rat, and he’s unlikely to be shocked. Those are easy-to-swallow secrets he’ll appreciate your sharing. But don’t think he’ll react to all your confession with such good humour. Remember: A woman’s allure is partly down to her mystery. We blokes like to think of you as precious creatures who rarely perspire, break wind or sprout hair in unusual places. We’re kind of deluded like that. And it’s best you leave us that way. After all, the most important thing in a relationship is knowing when to keep your mouth shut. So before you tell your life story to your boyfriend, here’s a list of secrets it’s probably best “forget” to tell him.

1.”I’ve slept with 53 people”

Even if you’ve had sex with a paltry 49 people. Or a minuscule 20. Or a barely worth mentioning 12. In fact, if you’ve slept with anything more than two men, do not tell your fella. At best, he’ll assume you were working in the porn industry before met each other. At worst, he’ll be so intimidated by your weight of sexual experience that he’ll never be able to perform in the sack again.

It’s worth bearing in mind, incidentally, that no man in Britain has had more than nine sexual partners, whatever they say. Apart from Tom Jones, of course, but he’s too old for you anyway.

2.”I’ve only slept with one another bloke”

It’s commonly thought every bloke likes to imagine his girlfriend was a virgin before she met him. This is a myth. We don’t want anyone who’s been round the houses a few times, but we do like a girl with a moderate amount of experience in the sack.

That way, at least we know she’ll have picked up a few racy bedtime man oeuvres to surprise us with. But more importantly than that, we like to think our girlfriend has sampled a few alternatives before realizing we were the absolute best on offer.

Bagging a girl who’s had no previous experience makes us feel we’ve bought something from the bargain bin at a department store that nobody else wanted – the girlfriend equivalent of a Peter Andre CD. Plus, we are scared an inexperienced girlfriend might eventually decide she wants to play the field and leave us, which if that’s our attitude, she probably should.

3.”I’ve been single for the last five years”

Okay, so let’s get this straight. You had a few boyfriends in the past then, all of a sudden, a five-year barren spell? What happened? You couldn’t get over your last boyfriend? You’ve been in jail? You were in coma.

In a bloke’s mind, there is never a simple explanation. If we were sane, balanced people, we would be flattered someone so picky had finally been tempted into a relationship by our wily charms. But, let’s face it; we’re neither of these things, so we’ll probably just assume you’re some kind of international terrorist who’s been on the run from the CIA for five years. Or just a demented bunny boiler who no else would touch with a long pole.

4. “I bleach my moustache”

When we first get together, we only see you girls at your best: Dressed up dead posh with loads of make-up, a tumbly hairdo and lashing of heavily loaded flirtation. It’s great, but we don’t realize you’ve made a special effort to be that way. We assume you wake up looking stunning.

As for the flirtation, we like to think it’s the inevitable result of our animal magnetism. Once we discover the array of cunning tricks you employ to make yourselves so alluring, we get slightly upset.

Finding out that you actually shave your legs with a razor to make them so smooth is a bit like discovering that Santa doesn’t really exist at all: We can live to live with it, but life is never quite the same again. The same goes for discovering your eyelashes are false or you wear a push-up bra.

Discovering you have a moustache you bleach is the same – only much, much, much worse. Suddenly, every time we close our eyes to kiss you, we see Tom Selleck.

5.”I Have/have had a mildly embarrassing medical disorder”

Diarrhea. Irritable bowel syndrome. Washerwoman’s elbow.

Admittedly, we don’t even know what most of these illnesses actually are – but we don’t like sound of them. Like so many male attitudes, this is completely hypocritical. After all, if we had it ourselves, we’d moan endlessly to you and expect constant sympathy. But if you had it, well, it would be a bit off-putting to stay the least.

The only illnesses girls should have are mild colds that necessitate cute little sneezes. Anything more severe than that (and involves you spending half a day in the loo) then, in our minds you instantly become akin to that possessed girl out of The Exorcist. Not a good look.

6.”I slept with someone you know”

We know you’ve had sex with other people. We have details impressions of them in our imaginations: They’re pathetic, ugly and useless in the sack. Their names are Gideon, Eugene or Hugh. We can live with that. What we can’t live with is actually knowing the person you once shared a bed/sofa/kitchen table with. We might even find ourselves picturing it. This will make us sick, then tearful, then furios, then irreversibly insane for the rest of our lives.

It doesn’t matter if it was our brother who you slept with or an obscure colleague who are we hardly we know. It doesn’t matter if you shagged then last month or six years ago. It doesn’t matter if you shagged them before we’d met: You committed a terrible act of disloyalty. Even if they really are called Eugene. So if we ask, lie.

7.”I didn’t fancy you at first”

Perhaps you think we should be complimented, flattered even, that despite our lack of natural, physical attractiveness, we managed to win you around with our sense of humour. Well, that’s all very nice but it’s no replacement for a girl telling us she sets eyes on us. We know it’s more important for a girl to love our soul. But we’d much rather she loved our steely eyes, broad shoulder and arresting smile.

Yep, we might not spend as much time applying face-paints as you girls do but, trust me, we’re twice as vain. Even those of us who are weaklings still like to picture ourselves as Paul Newman in his prime or Brad Pitt in Troy. And the fact we have a girlfriend serves as vindication of that fantasy.

So if your boyfriend asks, “What did you think when you first set eyes on me?” just reply, “I almost fainted!” That way, you’re not necessarily lying to him.

8.”I shagged someone famous”

My friend, Justin, had been going out with a girl for two months when she dropped this bombshell. A pop singer came on the telly, “I quite like him,” said Justin. “Do you?” grinned his girlfriend. “That funny, because I’ve shagged him.”

How did she think he’d react? Impressed? Happy? Amused? None of the above. The singer was spectacularly rich, talented and muscular. Justin looked around his tatty flat, then down at hid slightly flabby midriff and hung his head in shame.

From then on, he was always trying to live up to an impossibly high benchmark. “He was rubbish! You much better than him!” insisted his girlfriend. But it was too late for Justin. The last time I saw him, the poor bloke was thinking about taking up singing lessons and entering a talent contest.

9.”I hate your favorite band”

Women have cuddly toys or family pets they feel a deep, irrational affection for. Blokes have bands. Usually one band in particular. It could be Coldplay, Iron Maiden or The Village People. It doesn’t really matter who they are – all that’s important to you, as our loyal girlfriend, pretend to like them too.

Most girls are skilled at doing this. In the early stages of relationship they’ll feign a genuine enthusiasm for the band by attending gigs and even downloading a couple of their albums into their iPod. But once things get a bit cosier, they think its okay to come clean and admit: “Actually, I much prefer The Sugababes.” Bad idea. This is not just music to us. Our favourite band defines almost everything to us. Saying you don’t like them is like saying you don’t like our mother. In fact, it’s actually slightly worse.

10. “My ex-boyfriend and I used to root, for a different team”

And if you think we’re fanatical about music; don’t even get us started on football. If you used to enjoy watching Chelsea play with your stupid ex so much, then why don’t you take yourself off to Stamford Bridge to see if he’s there? I’m off to the park to burn every photo of us ever taken.

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