Don't CRY Get Even!

He left you for his colleague. Don't quietly seethe yourself into an ulcer. It's time for revenge.
It happens when you lift the last tissue fro your sixth box of Kleenex. The sobbing stops and the "My life's going to be hell without him" turns to "I'm going to make his life hell".

You stop crying every time you pass that restaurant and start plotting instead. The thought of his boss telling him off makes you smile. Horrid, vivid fantasies involving buses and trains haunt you. Not that you wish him ill of course, an uncomfortable injury will do. You wouldn't want him back if he begged you on bended knee - but you'd give anything to be able to say "Stick it, sweetheart". To have revenge at last.

There's something about being told "I don't love you anymore" that make us forget we wore pink when we were little because girls are nice, understanding, forgiving, and sympathetic. Bugger nice. It didn't get us anywhere, did it? Besides it's much more useful to feel angry than sad.

Anger is energy - it gives us the strength to perform the tasks an average revenge-seeking female faces in her day, like ripping car doors of. Sadness does nothing but ruin your mascara. Anger gives us the courage to make utter fools of ourselves - and not care a hoot.

Revenge is very good for you. Let all the anger fester inside and you'll end up with stomach ulcers. So here, for the recently trodden on, the Rule Of Revenge.

RULE ONE. Be original. Do it with style. Revenge should be dramatic and flamboyant - something people will talk about at the next dozen inner parties. If you're going to fling champagne, make sure it's Dom Perignon. If you're going to slap him accross the face, do it when he's making a speech at his company's Christmas party.

RULE TWO. Aim for the weak spots. Everyone has an Achilles heel. The man who prides himself of being the best-looking boy in the block will be suitably devastated if he see you hanging off the arm of the hottest male.

RULE THREE. Never destroy anything that can't be replaced - like photographs of his deceased mother, a Ming vase or limbs he may need later. A friend of a friend reputedly placed all her boyfriend's treasured books in the bath and kindly washed them for him. This is not OK: those books were first editions.

RULE FOUR: Keep a sense of humor. I know of one girl who enlisted the help of her pet's (use your imagination!), placed the result lovingly in layers of tissues and presented in a beautiful box. she wrapped the gift in paper printed with "I hate you" a millions times over - so even the postman knew the victim wasn't popular.

RULE FIVE: Living well is the best revenge. We all know the ultimate putdown is to do absolutely nothing. Be seen around town looking fabulous, a radiant smile n your face, a happy spring to your step. People - including your ex -will think the break-up was a mere hiccup in your busy life. And let's face it - isn't this more often the case?


What say you girls?