Relationship Comparison Syndrome

Why trying to compete with other couples is bad news for your love life?

If you could choose to be part of any celebrity duo, which one would be top of your list? Heath and Michelle? Nicole and Keith? Cameron and Justin? Be honest - you've thought about what it would be like - we all have and that's cool because we know there's no way we will ever be running with the Paris or Angelina crowd. But it's an altogether different story if you're comparing yourself to the couples on your social radar. By constantly noting how boyfriend's behaviour compares with other's boyfriend's, whether or not you hold hands as often as other couples or get a good enough bithday present compared with your bestie, you're setting youself up for plenty of relationship dissatisfaction and bedroom fights.

"Trying to jugde how good, strong, loving or committed your own relationship is by weighing it up against couples around you is a big mistake," says relationship counselor, Taylor Ferguson. "It puts you into a head space where you are likely to look for the negatives rather than the positives. How a relationship appears on the outside is no indication of what it's really like. For example, a couple who can't keep their in public may fight lots at home or have a great sex life but very poor communication about other issues."

1."They have sex three times a week or more - what's wrong with us?"
You ring and your girlfriend answer the phone giggling and saying she can't talk because they're busy getting their gear off or you meet them for dinner and they keep nuzzling and nibbling each other's ears. These two just can't keep their hands off each other and they make a point of letting everyone know it. On one hand, it makes your skin crawl and sometimes you feel like rolling your eyes and saying, "would you two just get a hotel room?"

On the other hand, their hot sex life makes you feel both envious and inadequate. You wouldn't mind it if your boyfriend desired you that much and you keep telling them so. But because he doesn't, you figure your sex life is somewhat under par.

The big picture: When a couple seem hell-bent on letting everyone know they make lovelike rabbits, you've got to ask yourself, what are they trying to prove? Could be they're trying to impress upon each other that the relationship is strong because in reality it's not terribly solid on the communication side.

"To feel secure in a relationship, both partners need to feel that they are loved and valued for who they are not just how much they put out or how great they look when they're naked," says Ferguson. "If the communication connection is as solid as the sexual connection then obviously it's a win-win situation, but often when there is an overwhelming focus sex, other aspects of the relationship are ignored and when the passion dies down - which is usually does in a few months or years - then the couple may struggle to stay together because their romance has been built on sex rather than true intimacy.

2."He's asked her to move in with him, why aren't we doing that yet?"
When you heard the news that your best friend was moving in with her boyfriend even though they've only been dating for a few months, you felt like you'd been kicked in the stomach. Secretly you've been hoping that your guy will make the suggestion but he shows no sign of wanting to take your relationship to that next level of commitment.



He waxes her bikini line; she goes to his footy training. He drops her at work even though it's out of his way; she goes to all his work functions. When you're around a couple who finish each other's sentences and want to do everything together, it's hard not to wonder what their secret is and whether your guy is not into you enough. But the thing about love is that it's very individual and copying another couple because they seem to have it together will not necessarily bring your relationship to a deeper level. So stop nagging your guy because he doesn't want to sit superglued to your side at every dinner or has hobbies that don't involve you - like playing squash. While he's out there engaging in life he's ensuring that he is a more fulfilled and interesting and interesting person - all attributes that will help improve your relationship.

The big picture: Being friends as well as lovers is healthy for any relationship and obviously, it helps if you have some common ground like interests you share and moral values that are similar. But there can be drawbacks as well. "In this kind of relationship, both partners can stop developing their own interests and so can stop growing as individuals," warns relationship psychologist Stephen Mallory. "Their self-absorption might cause them to annoy other couples and lose friend through neglect, placing more pressure on the romance to fulfill every need of each partner. In the long-term one person may end up feeling suffocated."

And what about sex? This kind of companionship relationship can sometimes lack excitement and sexual energy because the partners become more like brother and sister," adds Mallory. "This could create a risk that down the track one partner may meet someone who provides that spark and sexual excitement their own romance is lacking and they may consider leaving the relationship."

3."They do more together than we do"
He waxes her bikini line; she goes to his footy training. He drops her at work even though it's out of his way; she goes to all his work functions. When you're around a couple who finish each other's sentences and want to do everything together, it's hard not to wonder what their secret is and whether your guy is not into you enough. But the thing about love is that it's very individual and copying another couple because they seem to have it together will not necessarily bring your relationship to a deeper level. So stop nagging your guy because he doesn't want to sit superglued to your side at every dinner or has hobbies that don't involve you - like playing squash. While he's out there engaging in life he's ensuring that he is a more fulfilled and interesting and interesting person - all attributes that will help improve your relationship.

The big picture: Being friends as well as lovers is healthy for any relationship and obviously, it helps if you have some common ground like interests you share and moral values that are similar. But there can be drawbacks as well. "In this kind of relationship, both partners can stop developing their own interests and so can stop growing as individuals," warns relationship psychologist Stephen Mallory. "Their self-absorption might cause them to annoy other couples and lose friend through neglect, placing more pressure on the romance to fulfill every need of each partner. In the long-term one person may end up feeling suffocated."

And what about sex? This kind of companionship relationship can sometimes lack excitement and sexual energy because the partners become more like brother and sister," adds Mallory. "This could create a risk that down the track one partner may meet someone who provides that spark and sexual excitement their own romance is lacking and they may consider leaving the relationship."

4."How come we fight more than they do?"
Sometime when you out with other couples you worry that you look more like sparring partners than lovers. You argue on your way to a party because he didn't listen and took the wrong turn, they don't talk for the rest of the night or disagree in the middle of the dinner because he makes a joke that you're pre-menstrual and you hit back with complaints about his behaviour of late.

Meanwhile, the others couple are trying to pretend they're not noticing your public slanging matches. So what is it? How come they all manage to sort thing out without raising their voices while you two seem to always be at each other's throats?

The big picture: Firstly, if you are fighting a lot it might be a good idea to go to some couple's counseling or to both agree to try to take less confrontational approaches to dealing with problems in your relationship. Don't pressure It can lead you to discuss things that are bothering you and sort them out. When couples don't fight it can be because they are ultra compatible, but it could also indicate some issues that you really wouldn't want to have in your relationship.

According to Joan Gibson, couples counselor: "These may include a power imbalance - where one partner dominates all the decisions and the other feels so overwhelmed they've given up even trying to fight back. Or it could indicate a romance that's in a rut - and both partners are so jaded about the poor state of their relationship that they couldn't even be bothered on working to improve it anymore."

5."she got such a special birthday present from her boyfriend and I only got a bunch of flower.

So your boyfriend got you a CD for your 25th and you've just been out for your bestie's birthday and her man got her an antique lace shawl. As you watched her open the pressie you felt tears well in your eyes and realised how disappointed you still felt about how little thought he put into your gift. The minute you arrived home you picked a fight with him about it - accusing him of not making enough effort and always taking the slacker approach to things that should be special between you.

The big picture: Okay - so some guys are hopeless with gifts and either get the wrong kind of thing completely or buy something lame that they've clearly put no thought or time into. But the material things he buys you like flowers or jewellery - though nice to have - are not the only way you should measure the strenght of your relationship.

"Maybe your boyfriend is not that good with choosing feminine things to give you but makes up for this in other ways - by showing you how he feels," says Mallory. " If he's not gett5ing you exciting gifts but he shows his love in other ways by making you breakfast in bed or calling you during the day to say h's thinking of you, then in the scheme of things, a less-than-perfect birthday present really isn't that important. It's when you are not getting the TLC or the decent gifts that you have valid reason to complain."

Dumped? The Real Reasons He Did It

Remark: Repost do to some of error..
Want to know why he broke it off with you? Stop ripping yourself to shreds and turn the spotlight on HIS commitment issues.

He says “We need to talk” so you suspect something is up and you’re prepared to work through the problem. Instead he just blurts out “it’s over” and you’re so shocked. You can barely breathe. After breaking your heart he trots out all the usual lines: “It’s not you, it’s me”, “This isn’t working”, “I’m not good enough for you”. “I never meant to hurt you”, I don’t want to ruin our friendship” and he even says “I’ll call you sometimes” before you sprint from the rules, barely holding back the floods of tears. But once you get back to your flat/car/girlfriend’s place you suddenly realize he hasn’t really been straight with you at all.

After all the time, energy and tenderness you gave to the relationship it has just imploded and you have no real idea why. Before you beat yourself up for being a total failure in love – go through his behaviour with a fine-toothed comb. There are only a few reasons why men dump women and most of them indicate his emotional issue, not yours:

1. He’s looking for the ideal woman.
And you’re not her – but don’t feel unworthy-no women could ever measure up to his unrealistic ideal. He’s ultimate partner has Angelina Jolie’s lips, Elle Macpherson’s breasts, Jennifer Aniston’s figure, a face like Catherine Zeta-Jones, the intelligent and talent of a Cate Blanchett and a sense of humor to match whoopi Goldberg’s. Obviously, he’s never going to find someone to fit this bill but he enters each relationship with this unhelpful wishlist in his head.

“When it comes to romance, women tend to take a positive approach, focusing on their partner’s good looks or his sensitivity and projecting ahead to how romantic their future together could be,” says psychologist Danita Sykes. “The glow of these rose-colored glasses often helps to gloss over their partner’s less appealing qualities such as a bad temper or tendency to flirt. But as a relationship develops men may come to take their girlfriend’s appealing traits for granted and be more preoccupied with the ways their partner doesn’t meet their needs. They think the women of their dreams should be close to perfect. So if she doesn’t shared his love of the arts or doesn’t cook as well as he does, he may worry that this is a sign she’s not really the right partner for him.”

The upshot? Believe him when he says “it’s not you, it’s me”-any person who keeps up a misguided quest for total perfection in a partner is setting themselves up to never find true love. He doesn’t deserve you if he can’t recognize the special and unique qualities that make you such a great catch. “You’d be much better off with a men who is more emotionally evolved and mature,” Sykes points out.

2. He’s lazy in love.

Everything was peachy when you’re in the honeymoon phase of your relationship – you hung n each other’s every word and couldn’t wait to get home to be together. But now, you’ve been together a while you’re encountering a few hiccoughs - having a negotiate errands, not always wanting sex at the same time arguing about everything from what tv programme you should watch to whether or not he should call when he’s only running half an hour late.

For him, doing any kind of emotional house work in a relationship is to much hard work and the minute these kind of day-to-day problems arise he always does a runner. “I see lots of men who just bail out the minute there is any kind of issue to be solved in their romantic life,” says Sykes. Some “ men mistakenly see differences of opinion as a sign that the two of you a just not compatible instead of realizing that every relationship requires a little work, and a lot of communication and compromise if it is to deepen an last.”

3. He met someone else.

This one hurts because he's unlikely to be upfront about the real reasons for the break. So you nurse your broken heart and try to save face in front of all yours friends by repeating hi exit line " I'm not ready to settle down" or " I need some time on my own". Next thing you hear on the grapevine, that he's not only launched himself back on the singles scene but he went straight from spiting up with you to asking another woman to go steady. Does she look like Cameron Diaz? Is he better than you in bed? What do you care? Be grateful - he's obviously got a roving eyes which means that down the track he might have been unfaithful or been a serial flirt. He's done you a big favour - now you can find a guy worthy of your trust.

4. He’s afraid of commitment.

5. He’s still in love with his ex.

6. He’s from a different world.

7. He’s been scared off.

Don't CRY Get Even!

He left you for his colleague. Don't quietly seethe yourself into an ulcer. It's time for revenge.
It happens when you lift the last tissue fro your sixth box of Kleenex. The sobbing stops and the "My life's going to be hell without him" turns to "I'm going to make his life hell".

You stop crying every time you pass that restaurant and start plotting instead. The thought of his boss telling him off makes you smile. Horrid, vivid fantasies involving buses and trains haunt you. Not that you wish him ill of course, an uncomfortable injury will do. You wouldn't want him back if he begged you on bended knee - but you'd give anything to be able to say "Stick it, sweetheart". To have revenge at last.

There's something about being told "I don't love you anymore" that make us forget we wore pink when we were little because girls are nice, understanding, forgiving, and sympathetic. Bugger nice. It didn't get us anywhere, did it? Besides it's much more useful to feel angry than sad.

Anger is energy - it gives us the strength to perform the tasks an average revenge-seeking female faces in her day, like ripping car doors of. Sadness does nothing but ruin your mascara. Anger gives us the courage to make utter fools of ourselves - and not care a hoot.

Revenge is very good for you. Let all the anger fester inside and you'll end up with stomach ulcers. So here, for the recently trodden on, the Rule Of Revenge.

RULE ONE. Be original. Do it with style. Revenge should be dramatic and flamboyant - something people will talk about at the next dozen inner parties. If you're going to fling champagne, make sure it's Dom Perignon. If you're going to slap him accross the face, do it when he's making a speech at his company's Christmas party.

RULE TWO. Aim for the weak spots. Everyone has an Achilles heel. The man who prides himself of being the best-looking boy in the block will be suitably devastated if he see you hanging off the arm of the hottest male.

RULE THREE. Never destroy anything that can't be replaced - like photographs of his deceased mother, a Ming vase or limbs he may need later. A friend of a friend reputedly placed all her boyfriend's treasured books in the bath and kindly washed them for him. This is not OK: those books were first editions.

RULE FOUR: Keep a sense of humor. I know of one girl who enlisted the help of her pet's (use your imagination!), placed the result lovingly in layers of tissues and presented in a beautiful box. she wrapped the gift in paper printed with "I hate you" a millions times over - so even the postman knew the victim wasn't popular.

RULE FIVE: Living well is the best revenge. We all know the ultimate putdown is to do absolutely nothing. Be seen around town looking fabulous, a radiant smile n your face, a happy spring to your step. People - including your ex -will think the break-up was a mere hiccup in your busy life. And let's face it - isn't this more often the case?


What say you girls?

Memory Callengers..

Many lifestyle factors can have a significant "memory zapping" effect on your brain:

Alcohol: Interferes with short-term memory and damages little branches in the brain called dendrites, which pass on messages between brain cells.

Insomnia: Lack of sleep reduces our ability to retrieve memories while sleep deprivation can leave you feeling forgetful the next day.



Smoking: Limits the amount of oxygen and bloodflow to the brain

Stress: The "fight or flight" response that we have when stressed, uses up energy leaving less circulating blood sugar to fuel your brain resulting in a loss of clarity and focus.


Some medications: Pills such as tranquillizers, muscle relaxants, sleeping pills, high blood pressure medication and antidepressants, can contribute to fuzzy thinking or cause some loss of memory capacity in some people.

Network Like a PRO!

Who you meet today may just help boost your career tomorrow. So as you expand your address book, file these networking tips in:

DON'T BE SHY, BE CURIOUS. Beat shyness by being genuinely interested in someone. The conversation will flow better and naturally. Do ask others open ended questions which encourage conversation - most people love talking about themselves.

BE SINCERE. Networking isn't for short-term gain so ditch the impatient "what's in it for me" attitude. No one likes insincerity, plus it's easy to spot.

CASUAL CONTACT. Approach others casually with light topics before touching on more serious business-like topics. Never hit a social scene with your entire sales kit hoping to kill two birds with one stones.

KEEP IN TOUCH. Show appreciation with newfound and existing contacts by sending cheery greeting and messages during festivals and holidays. A simple thank you e-mail works well to keep in touch if your contacts have helped you in any small way.

GET OUT OF FAMILIAR CLIQUES. It's much easier to stick with people who you already know. However, make the best of social or work events to expand your horizons. After all, your friends were once people you didn't know too. Say a quick hello to them and then go forth to make a new contacts.

HEALTH HAZARD You can Stop Stressing about..

Newspapers print so many scary headlines these days, we're not even sure we can drink water without contracting cancer. But should we believe them all? Read on and find out.
FACT: Salt can cause strokes
Let's face it, dousing our food with salt is almost as Malaysian bad traffic. But with a majority of the population consuming double the recommended daily amount of salt - that's 6g per day - does our sprinkling addiction mean we're risking our health? The answer's YES, according to reports that claim too much salt can cause strokes. So should we eat our fries au naturel?

"Well, salt is one of the risk factors that contribute to high blood pressure, which can increase your risk of developing heart disease or having a stroke," says Claire Williams, a nutrition scientist. "The real problem is that salt's hidden in almost all processed foods - from biscuits to ready meals to tomato sauce." So always check the salt content on food labels, and avoid adding more when you're cooking. But don't worry, just because you're in salt rehab doesn't mean you have to go cold turkey or chicken with the pepper!

FICTION: Oh yes, milk gives you cancer too..
After years of glugging litres of the white stuff to what off brittles bones, recent stories claimed that milk had joined the long list of carcinogens, which got us all confused. According to reports, one glass a day - the equivalent of the amount of milk found in regular latte - can double the risk of developing ovarian tumors. So should dairy be struck off the menu?

"Not at all," says Williams. This study, by scientists at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, is one of a number being carried out to investigate the possible cause of ovarian cancer. But so far they haven't been able to prove that drinking milk causes the disease." So why all the fuss?



"The study showed an association between milk and ovarian cancer, which basically means the women they tested drank a lot of milk had developed ovarian cancer," says Williams. "But that doesn't mean milk caused the cancer." But before you lay off the lattes to be on the safe side remember that, according to health experts, milk's still a great source of calcium and other essential nutrients, like Omega-3, all of which help keep your heart healthy and protect against breast and colon cancer.

FACT: Heart disease is the biggest killer out there..
Getting breast cancer used to be most women's Number One fear, especially with celebs like Anastacia and Kylie Minoque proving it can strike young. But then we were told there's a far bigger threat out there - heart disease. So would we really be more worried about that? "Truth is, women are four times more likely to die of heart disease than of breast cancer. But the good news is you can easily reduce the risk by sticking a healthy diet, exercising for 30 minutes at lease three times a week, and staying within the recommended weight limit for your height. High blood pressure and high cholesterol are also factors, so get your GP to check you over. And learn to relax!" says Dr Sarah Brewer, author of The Ultimate Stress Buster.

FICTION: Deodorant can cause breast cancer
No one wants to ruin their best dress with sweat patches, but reports linking chemicals used in deodorants - like aluminum - to breast cancer left us with a dilemma. Are we really risking our health by rolling on? Relax: The best medical evidence suggest not.

"The only scientific study that's looked directly at this question, conducted by the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Centre in Seattle, did not find any association between anti-perspirant use and a risk of breast cancer," says Dr Tim Key from Cancer Research UK. So why the panic? Well, another study found a higher incidence of breast cancer near the underarm, which led to people jumping to the conclusion that deodorant was to blame. But it's never been proved!




Hoorayyyyy!

HURT Alert!

Don't set yourself up to be hurt in your next relationship. Minimise the chances of a romance ending badly by:
Trusting your intuition: If the guy you're seeing is a serial flirt or has a tendency to talk only about himself, don't ignore it - take a walk now before you get into deep.

Taking your time: Don't rush into having sex or revealing your entire life history to a guy you've just met - wait until you know each other much better - then you can be sure he deserves to have this level of intimacy with you.

Being honest: Once you've been together for a few months, make it clear that you're not in the market for a fling - and ask him how he feels about that. If he runs a mile you'll immediately know there was no future in the relationship anyway.


Giving him space: Resist the temptation to smother him in an effort to make the relationship work. Be cool about giving him his space - and he won't get scared off due to a fear that you're trying to take over his life.

Keeping quiet about past disasters in love: Don't tell him that you've been dumped a millions times - it will encourage him to see you as a victim and he may start to treat you like one. Wait until you've been together in a committed relationship for quite some time before you open up about those previous ill-fated romances.

Seeing yourself: Avoid pretending you're someone you're not just to please him - eventually when yours true colors show there's a chance he will either feel irritated that you were not being straight with him or will feel he can't trust you and break off the relationship.

Exercising and intimacy..

If good health isn't a good enough reason to exercise, what about improving your sex life? Recent studies have found a direct correlation between physical inactivity and a lack of potency. Here's what you'll need to get the most out of your sex life.
For exciting and and enthusiastic sex,
you'll need cardio endurance since it won't be any fun if you bonk out halfway through. Do three or four days of cardio activity like running, walking, swimming or whatever floats your boat and your partner will thank you for it.

Sex also requires a little muscular stamina.
You may find yourself holding unusual positions for short periods of time, so conditioning your body can be a plus for loger-lasting sex. For endurance, you'll need to lift lighter weights for more repetitions.


Flexibility can enhance anyone's sex life
by making it a bit easier to get into your favorite position with a minimum of fuss. Why not try a little yoga to get you in the mood.

Exercise, along with a healthy diet,
and adequate sleep can boost your libido so you're up for anything! Also, don't forget that sex burns calories!